Produced on August 23, 2019
by Cynthia L.
Long before the time of humans, the cities of earth were built and ruled by tiny creatures now commonly known as “bugs.”
Like the bugs of today, the old bugs thrived wherever they found heat, water, earth, and decay. But there was a difference. The old bugs were at the top of the food chain. They had no fear of extermination, because they were a lot bigger than their amoebic neighbors.
Then something very bad happened. The bugs became hooked on sports like “bugsaball,” which fooled the bugs into believing that their mass city swarms were alive; like the city itself had an identity.
As it goes, “They faked it, until they made it…” and after millions of years the fiction of these living cities finally sprang to life like Pinocchio.
And multi-cellular organisms were born.
The old bugs were OK with controllable city creatures like lizards, fish, and chickens, but they were horrified their cities began to form humans.
Humans labeled as “pests,” because they were too big and too smart to be controlled. In an act of desperation, the old bugs developed a warrior class dedicated to the hunting and killing of humans.
We now call those blood-sucking warriors “bedbugs.”
For thousands of years (before humans gained the power of memory) these blood-sucking warriors exterminated humans by the millions. Our bodies still remember the carnage the bedbugs inflicted on us. That fear is now embodied in the character of the vampire.
In spite of their size, the bedbugs of old were able to hunt and kill humans for one reason. They had a special weapon. They used a magic spell, which translates roughly as “EEOeueTUtu8” when spoken aloud. When the spell was cast, the bedbug warriors were made “invisible” to humans. There is no better word to describe it really. The spell cloaked the bedbugs from the perception of humans.
Of course, we now this spell simply as “sleeping,” but that was a long time ago and “sleeping” was more mysterious then.
Bedbugs would have ruled the earth forever if it weren’t for a brave woman warrior (with a strange love for the bugs) who discovered how to track and hunt the bugs that were made to hunt her.
Her name was unpronounceable in English. The sound translates roughly as “4.9.” And she was a badass.
She tracked the old human hunters by:
(1) checking her bedding for spotting, little black dots in a cluster
(2) looking for moltings, or the skins the bugs shed five times (one after every full meal) as they moved in life from egg to adulthood.
(3) using her stupid brother’s fire stick to check her bedding.
And most importantly, Badass 4.9 learned to harness her imagination to see beyond the spell. She could feel them when they were close, and she learned to overturn the rocks and dig behind the roots near her bed.
Once the humans realized that the bedbugs didn’t vanish into some other dimension and become invisible when they hid, crawling out of sight and mind during the active daytime hours, the bugs didn’t have a chance.
The humans began to hunt and destroy the bugs that hunted them, and the byproduct of the hunt was the strange, reflective experience we know call “consciousness.”
And that’s how it happened. If it weren’t for the first exterminator, Badass 4.9, the bugs would still be sucking us dry.
My name is Jake. I’m a bedbug destroyer, and I’m telling this story today for a specific reason. A woman called me to inspect her home for the Old Human Hunters the other day. As I inspected, I discovered that she was an artist and a real deal “unicorn” local. She knew a lot about the city and had interesting stories to share, but the conversation I enjoyed the most was our nice, long chat about bedbugs.
She really knew her stuff. She had a bed with almost no cracks, and the cracks that her bed did have were either taped or sealed. Her box spring and mattress had covers and she was using the same brand of climb ups I use in the field. And she’d done her homework. She knew our old enemy the bedbug well. Overall I felt like I was talking shop with a pro.
I didn’t find any signs of bedbug activity that day, but I did find something very special. I found a new talent, a fellow human with the potential to be a great Bug Hunter and Destroyer someday.
I could be wrong…but I don’t think I am. Someday, when humans finally emerge from the dark age of shame and fear based pest control, we will celebrate the efforts of hunters like Cynthia.
After all, the only thing the blood suckers need to rise to power again is for good people to fall asleep…and pretend the threat isn’t real. There are tiny monsters that bite under our bed, and humans need to remain vigilant and fight them. The fate of the world depends on it.
THE END
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